22/05/2024 8:58 PM


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Oscars swag bag gives her a case of indigestion | News, Sports, Jobs


I hate the Oscars. Stopped watching them many years ago, to be honest.

Why? Well, other than the fact that these bazillionaires are basically just there to collect, like, hundreds of thousands of dollars’ worth of top-notch goodies (think Versace, Dior, Louis Vuiitton, Chanel) — but not for merit or honor or great theatrical performance or any silly thing like that.

I mean, do you even know what’s inside those Academy swag bags? I did a little digging and here’s what all the nominees got this year, with PK comments after each:

• A plot of land in Scotland that automatically gives the recipient a lord / lady title — That’s absolutely ridiculous. Why couldn’t they use what I’m assuming is a HUGE amount of money to feed starving people somewhere? Anywhere!

• Extra virgin olive oil infused with gold flakes — Um, blech, by the way.

• A voucher for plastic surgery on the arms — Well, I guess my 54-year-old flaps could actually use that one.

• Complimentary project management services on a remodel or construction project — What? I mean sure, add onto my house, OK.

• $10,000 worth of Botox, fillers or other procedures from a New York doctor — Too far. All that poison scares me. No thanks, I’ll just continue looking 54 instead of like a balloon caricature of my original face, icky as it is, thanks.

• Sustainably harvested honey from New Zealand — Sounds yummy, but again, couldn’t we find some hungry people who actually have no food and ship it to them instead of people who can afford caviar like it’s a generic bag of chips?

• A tour of Turin Castle in Scotland, including a three-night stay, a private butler and a bagpiper on arrival — Stop. Stop it now. They are NOT royalty. Period.

• Four-night stay at a San Diego-area spa — Fine, I wouldn’t turn it down. Guilty.

• Skincare products said to be like a salad (but for your face) — Well, OK, but I’m not promising you I wouldn’t cook with it instead.

Ugh. There was more, but I just can’t stand talking about how these privileged people are complete hypocrites anymore. It’s giving me indigestion.

Yeah, it’s safe to say that I’ve been over the Oscars for a while. But that smack heard ’round the world? PK out. For good. Come on now, Will, I thought you were chill! Hmpf.

Like I told Kyle when he hit a boy who was beating up on a smaller boy at recess, I know you had noble intentions, but physical violence is never the answer.

Then again, he was 6.


Kimerer is a columnist who thinks Hollywood should get over itself. Let her know if you agree via [email protected].

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